As it says. And when I feel lonely, I eat. Despite my attempts to resist, I'm stuffing my face with Cap'n Crunch as I write this.
I hate myself sometimes. I'm trying to keep track of what I'm feeling when I get the urge to eat when I'm not hungry for my therapist. I really hope she can help me deal with this. :c I may get on Gaia and seek out roleplay to keep myself preoccupied.
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Whirlwind
I think life is catching me up in a whirlwind with this new job. I work crazy/weird hours, but the pay is decent at least. I look forward to reaping the benefits of forty hours a week with people who really need someone to help guide them. :) I look forward to being able to actually SAVE money, and being able to buy the things I need/want with the money I've earned. Like, my laptop is going nuts on me some days and the sound won't work right, so I'm going to save up for a new laptop...or maybe one of those all-in-one iMacs for my room.
I've been feeling pretty good, and the visits to the counselor have been helping. She's helped me to learn how to deal with my dad, and right now, she's helping me to learn how to deal with the feelings that cause me to overeat. She asked me to write down what feelings it was that made me want to eat so much. Well, I think I can sum it up:
1.) I feel lonely, so I eat. I don't have a lot of RL friends to go and do things with, so I can get to feeling pretty lonely at times. I'm going to work on this by maybe asking one of my cousins to hang out more often. I know he likes movies, so that's an idea. He has a job, too, so he can pay for himself.
2.) I feel bored. Sometimes when I get everything done, I get really bored, so I eat to occupy myself. I can work on this by doing other things, like reading my favorite book again, drawing, or playing my favorite video game.
3.) I feel worthless/hopeless. I haven't felt like this for a while - thank God - but there's always a possibility that it could crop up again. When it comes, I just need to remind myself that I am NOT worthless/hopeless, and that I mean something to somebody.
4.) I feel sad/frustrated. Sometimes things happen, and I feel sad or frustrated. Eating is a form of stress relief, so I grab a candy bar or a pop and I eat until I can't eat anymore.
If I think of anymore, I'll make another post. Til then, I need to pack my lunch for work~! Arrivederci!!
-Silvner
I've been feeling pretty good, and the visits to the counselor have been helping. She's helped me to learn how to deal with my dad, and right now, she's helping me to learn how to deal with the feelings that cause me to overeat. She asked me to write down what feelings it was that made me want to eat so much. Well, I think I can sum it up:
1.) I feel lonely, so I eat. I don't have a lot of RL friends to go and do things with, so I can get to feeling pretty lonely at times. I'm going to work on this by maybe asking one of my cousins to hang out more often. I know he likes movies, so that's an idea. He has a job, too, so he can pay for himself.
2.) I feel bored. Sometimes when I get everything done, I get really bored, so I eat to occupy myself. I can work on this by doing other things, like reading my favorite book again, drawing, or playing my favorite video game.
3.) I feel worthless/hopeless. I haven't felt like this for a while - thank God - but there's always a possibility that it could crop up again. When it comes, I just need to remind myself that I am NOT worthless/hopeless, and that I mean something to somebody.
4.) I feel sad/frustrated. Sometimes things happen, and I feel sad or frustrated. Eating is a form of stress relief, so I grab a candy bar or a pop and I eat until I can't eat anymore.
If I think of anymore, I'll make another post. Til then, I need to pack my lunch for work~! Arrivederci!!
-Silvner
Friday, June 3, 2011
Chiisaicon
{I think I spelled it right.}
This is going to be my first anime con ever, and I'm really excited about going to it! c: It's absolutely free, so all I really need is a hotel room so I don't burn up a lot of gas doing the forty minute drive down there on the two days I'll be going. I haven't told my parents yet - so they'll probably not be inclined to let me go, but they're not going to get much say in the matter. I'm going to spend my birthday weekend doing something I love - geeking out over anime and manga! Besides, this will be a chance to get away from the family for a couple of days, and I'll really enjoy that. The hotel I'm looking at booking has high speed Internet, so I don't have to be disconnected while I'm down there, and I could Skype my parents if they wanted, to let them know I'm alright.
Vic Mignogna is going to be one of the guests at Chiisaicon, and I'm really hoping to be able to meet him! As a newbie Risembool Ranger (member of his fanclub), I think it would be really cool. I'd like to get him to sign my copy of the Conqueror of Shamballa, and get a picture with him to put up on my new FB. c:
I'm planning on getting a camera to take with me, so I can get pictures of any good cosplay I see. It would be really cool if there was a Seto Kaiba one, because my FB username is setokaibasbriefcase. xD Lol.
As far as cosplay is concerned, I will not be cosplaying, but I have a couple of ideas floating in my head that I would like to do. One of them is Karasu from YYH. He's the first one I'd like to work on. Joann Fabrics sells a pleather material that I think would be GREAT for his coat, and if I save up the money, I can afford to buy enough of it to make my coat. They offer a pattern you can buy online that gives you the patterns you need for a trenchcoat, but I think I could figure it out. Also, they sell a silky red material I'd love to use for the lining. As far as his mask is concerned, Tractor Supply Company sells a set of two masks for 4.99 that have the same shape as his. I'm going to use them as a base, and create my own mask.
Also, I would kill to cosplay Sebastian, from Kuroshitsuji. He's so cool! And Seto Kaiba is on my wishlist as well...along with like, Vincent Valentine from FFVII! Yes, my wishlist consists of guy characters, but that's because I feel that I'm too tall to pull off a decent anime/manga/game female. xD
Anyway, I'm going to go out and fill my car's gas tank up. Woot. It's resting on empty, and the light is on. But I can't fill it all of the way - I can't afford it. So I'm filling it up partially, and then saving the rest of the money for the con. My dad - who demanded that I give him my whole paycheck and then he'd give me an allowance - won't like it, but he'll never know that I didn't spend the whole thing on gas!
Til next time,
Silvner
This is going to be my first anime con ever, and I'm really excited about going to it! c: It's absolutely free, so all I really need is a hotel room so I don't burn up a lot of gas doing the forty minute drive down there on the two days I'll be going. I haven't told my parents yet - so they'll probably not be inclined to let me go, but they're not going to get much say in the matter. I'm going to spend my birthday weekend doing something I love - geeking out over anime and manga! Besides, this will be a chance to get away from the family for a couple of days, and I'll really enjoy that. The hotel I'm looking at booking has high speed Internet, so I don't have to be disconnected while I'm down there, and I could Skype my parents if they wanted, to let them know I'm alright.
Vic Mignogna is going to be one of the guests at Chiisaicon, and I'm really hoping to be able to meet him! As a newbie Risembool Ranger (member of his fanclub), I think it would be really cool. I'd like to get him to sign my copy of the Conqueror of Shamballa, and get a picture with him to put up on my new FB. c:
I'm planning on getting a camera to take with me, so I can get pictures of any good cosplay I see. It would be really cool if there was a Seto Kaiba one, because my FB username is setokaibasbriefcase. xD Lol.
As far as cosplay is concerned, I will not be cosplaying, but I have a couple of ideas floating in my head that I would like to do. One of them is Karasu from YYH. He's the first one I'd like to work on. Joann Fabrics sells a pleather material that I think would be GREAT for his coat, and if I save up the money, I can afford to buy enough of it to make my coat. They offer a pattern you can buy online that gives you the patterns you need for a trenchcoat, but I think I could figure it out. Also, they sell a silky red material I'd love to use for the lining. As far as his mask is concerned, Tractor Supply Company sells a set of two masks for 4.99 that have the same shape as his. I'm going to use them as a base, and create my own mask.
Also, I would kill to cosplay Sebastian, from Kuroshitsuji. He's so cool! And Seto Kaiba is on my wishlist as well...along with like, Vincent Valentine from FFVII! Yes, my wishlist consists of guy characters, but that's because I feel that I'm too tall to pull off a decent anime/manga/game female. xD
Anyway, I'm going to go out and fill my car's gas tank up. Woot. It's resting on empty, and the light is on. But I can't fill it all of the way - I can't afford it. So I'm filling it up partially, and then saving the rest of the money for the con. My dad - who demanded that I give him my whole paycheck and then he'd give me an allowance - won't like it, but he'll never know that I didn't spend the whole thing on gas!
Til next time,
Silvner
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Today, so far...
So far, today has been good. I submitted the FAFSA with just my information on it, for an unsubsidized Stafford Loan, and will be looking into getting it as soon as possible. I am looking at apartments, and trying to see what I might do. I found one I really like, and am going to try to see if I can get the loan for enough to help with the cost of rent as well. I'm going to be applying for work study, though without any parental information, I doubt that I'm eligible. :/
When I go to move out, I'll probably ask my cousin if he and one of his friends will help me move out, because I can't lift some things on my own.
I will feel so much better when I'm free.
When I go to move out, I'll probably ask my cousin if he and one of his friends will help me move out, because I can't lift some things on my own.
I will feel so much better when I'm free.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Don't Jump
Today started out GREAT. The sun was out, and I decided to go to the pool. So I changed into my swimsuit, and swung by the store to pick up some sunscreen, so I wouldn't burn. I went to the pool for a couple of hours and had a blast, just soaking up some sun and swimming in the pool. I made sure to feed Molly before I left, hoping that would make Dad happy and he could enjoy his lunch in peace.
After a couple of hours, I was getting really hungry, so I decided to come home and call it a day. I listened to some of my favorite songs in the car, and my day was absolutely perfect. This should have honestly been my first warning sign.
When I got home, Dad had just come back from a walk he'd taken on his break. I went upstairs and hung up my towel, and headed downstairs to grab a quick bite. Well, as I was perusing the options in the fridge, he came out. He hates when I keep the fridge door open for longer than a few seconds, so I shut it. That's when the bomb dropped on me.
He starts yelling at me for not working more hours, and for not getting up at 7 that morning to go out and find another job. He then gets on me, claiming that I mistreat my mother badly, and I admit we've had a couple of disagreements, but I never raised my voice to her like he said I did, or yell at her. He then PUTS ME IN A FREAKING HEADLOCK, which HURTS, and claims I'm only nice when I want something from her, and I need to stop hanging off of her like a twelve year old in public, because I'm an ADULT. He lets me go, but my neck takes a few minutes to adjust.
By this point, I'm terrified because he's yelling and cussing at me, and I start to cry. He then calls me a crybaby, and tells me to grow up. I admit that I wished him dead at that point. I wished that God would just strike him down...and me as well.
I can't take more of this crap. He gets off of work in thirty minutes, and I don't know how much more I can handle.
I wish someone would just save me. I am still crying, and praying that God would save me. I wish I could call the police and report a domestic dispute, but my dad was on the force and they'd never believe me.
Also, my dad wants me to account for every penny I earn, and give it to him. He says he will give me an allowance, and then he'll take the money to repay my mom for a few things I owe her for (I barely make enough to pay my gas and Kohl's bill, let alone pay someone back money I owe!)
I just keep telling myself 'don't jump', because I feel so close to the edge. I wish God would just take me now, and save me the pain of living with these ungodly, wicked people.
After a couple of hours, I was getting really hungry, so I decided to come home and call it a day. I listened to some of my favorite songs in the car, and my day was absolutely perfect. This should have honestly been my first warning sign.
When I got home, Dad had just come back from a walk he'd taken on his break. I went upstairs and hung up my towel, and headed downstairs to grab a quick bite. Well, as I was perusing the options in the fridge, he came out. He hates when I keep the fridge door open for longer than a few seconds, so I shut it. That's when the bomb dropped on me.
He starts yelling at me for not working more hours, and for not getting up at 7 that morning to go out and find another job. He then gets on me, claiming that I mistreat my mother badly, and I admit we've had a couple of disagreements, but I never raised my voice to her like he said I did, or yell at her. He then PUTS ME IN A FREAKING HEADLOCK, which HURTS, and claims I'm only nice when I want something from her, and I need to stop hanging off of her like a twelve year old in public, because I'm an ADULT. He lets me go, but my neck takes a few minutes to adjust.
By this point, I'm terrified because he's yelling and cussing at me, and I start to cry. He then calls me a crybaby, and tells me to grow up. I admit that I wished him dead at that point. I wished that God would just strike him down...and me as well.
I can't take more of this crap. He gets off of work in thirty minutes, and I don't know how much more I can handle.
I wish someone would just save me. I am still crying, and praying that God would save me. I wish I could call the police and report a domestic dispute, but my dad was on the force and they'd never believe me.
Also, my dad wants me to account for every penny I earn, and give it to him. He says he will give me an allowance, and then he'll take the money to repay my mom for a few things I owe her for (I barely make enough to pay my gas and Kohl's bill, let alone pay someone back money I owe!)
I just keep telling myself 'don't jump', because I feel so close to the edge. I wish God would just take me now, and save me the pain of living with these ungodly, wicked people.
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Today...ugh.
Well, today has been...interesting, to say the least. All I'm going to say is that I'm glad it's almost over. :/
Now if my friend would get back on, everything would be awesome...or at least, maybe I could forget about my day or something. >.<
-Silvner
Now if my friend would get back on, everything would be awesome...or at least, maybe I could forget about my day or something. >.<
-Silvner
Friday, May 27, 2011
WOW I FAIL AT BLOGGING.
It's been...like...three months since I've updated, ja? Well, here I am! And, uh, yeah. School's out, and I'm currently just working. The pools open next week, and I'm excited about that! :D I love water. I love to swim.
I have to work tonight. Boooo. But I guess if I wants teh moolahs to go to the pool, or even buy gas, I should really be happier about working...
Also, am in love with the band Vampires Everywhere! Each member of the band is gorgeous. *_*;
Anyway, I'm off to go kick my PC for not playing Vampire: The Masquerade - Bloodlines without crashing. >_< I WANNA PLAY AS A VAMPIRE. *cries* xD
-Silvner
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